Busy, Busy

Whew, it's been a super busy week! But first.....Hotty Freaking Toddy! How about those Rebels! Sure brought smiles to our faces! And our poor kids - we just wanted to watch the game! They were basically banned to their room for most of the game. Note to self: Next Egg Bowl find a babysitter. Ha! We dressed for the occasion game day and the following Monday!

 

 

And then we Christmasfied our house. Talk about exhausting. Next year I may hire someone. Oh, who am I kidding? I know I'll do it. I'm not the type to pay someone to do something I can do myself.



 

And then Monday was the Christmas parade, which was so good! I just love a parade. The band is the best part, hands-down! I'm a total band geek. I hope my girls will want to be in the band like their mama. Some of my best high school memories are from the band. Go Big Red!

 

Next up, dramatic haircut!

 I cut off 14 inches! It was time for a change, and it will grow back before I know it! I feel 30 now, which I will be in 12 days. I look forward to my 30s! I've heard they're the best years, so bring it on!  

Wednesday, Whit had four wisdom teeth cut out. It took 20 minutes! That dentist is making big bucks. Funny story: The lady came and got me because Whit was moved to recovery. I go back there, and she opens the curtain, and Whit sits up a bit and points at me and yells, "She's not my wife!"  LOL! What the heck!? I thought he was yanking my chain. Then he was out. Then he woke back up and said, "You're so beautiful." HAHAHAHA. He was a hoot. Kept wanting me to lay with him and touch his chin! But he's doing well now. This is just one of quite a few pics I snapped of him. I even have a few videos!

 



 

Next up was Ella's Christmas program. She was the perfect angel and did so good! The program was precious! She's the cutie pie in the middle!

 

 

ACE

I don't know if there's a time I'm not thinking of him. I keep trying to place him in our lives as if he were here. The girls have had colds. Ella's wasn't that bad, and then Ivy had it worse. I can only imagine how bad he would have had it if he were here. Our routine is still the same...2 kids in the house. After I bathed the girls tonight and got in the shower, I was thinking how I would have put him in bed with Whit until I got out. Whit goes to bed early because he has to open up the store at 2:30 a.m. On the rare occasion I cook supper, I think I probably wouldn't have had time to do this if he were here. Everything I do, I imagine if he were here. I mean, life would be crazy. Ella has a high bar of what fun is, and I'm to blame for that, but she constantly needs entertaining, and then there's Ivy. Yep, this little cutie below:

 

Don't let that cuteness fool you! She is a handful! Constantly into something, dumping something out, writing with a pen all over the couch or permanent marker on the kitchen floor, emptying the trashcans, the kitchen drawers, rummaging through the fridge, etc! You can't let her out of your sight. They have been so exhausting to me lately, and I can't imagine throwing a baby in the mix. Boy, it would have been some kind of chaotic. But I wanted it and still do. We would have made it, and all would have been okay, I know. Through all the mayhem, they are still some kind of precious and their hugs and kisses make it all worth it!

 

I go back to work this week, and I'm pretty excited. I love my job and the people I work with. But I've been working even though I haven't been in court. I had a 1,300 page transcript ordered right after Ace passed. I'll be working on that for a while, to say the least.

 

Things are as normal as they're going to get, I think. Every night when I go to bed, I say my prayers and ask God to give Ace kisses and hugs from his mama and tell him I love him. Then my mind wanders to what he's doing, what he looks like, if he's with other kids... Every night. Miss that little man. His pictures are starting to fill our house. Can't look at them without smiling. 





 

Letting It Out

He didn't open those eyes that much so this is extra precious.
Love him. Miss him. As long as I'm living, my baby he'll be.

Oh, man. I've really been doing so good lately, but tonight it just rehit me like a ton of bricks. Maybe it's because I've just ordered our Christmas cards or because I'm ordering prints of pictures or because it's Thanksgiving and he wasn't here with us or because we ordered his gravestone this week. I'd give absolutely anything to touch him, see him, kiss him, hold him, hear his cry or whimpers.  Just one more time. I know he's having a good ole time in heaven, but that doesn't change the fact that I miss him more than he'll ever know. Does he even think about me or miss me like I miss him? The tears are pouring tonight. While there is a picture of him on the back of our Christmas cards, that's not what I envisioned our Christmas cards to be this year. There's so many little things that I had envisioned that aren't happening -- like when the girls climb in the recliner with Whit. There's room for one more, and I always pictured him right in the middle. My heart breaks every time I see that empty spot. Or the mornings when the girls get up and climb in bed with us. There was room for one more, and I looked forward to that. All five of us in our little queen bed. Giggles galore. Our life would have been so crazy right now if he were here. Three kids. It's hard to imagine, but we would have adjusted, of course, and I wouldn't have had it any other way.

I miss Buckley so much too. I can still envision him like he's here. Some of y'all may think I'm crazy for mourning my dog so bad, and sometimes it seems like I took Buckley's death harder than my own child's. I guess it's because Buckley's death was unexpected and tragic. He was just gone all of a sudden. No goodbye or extra kisses. We started grieving Ace the second we found out he had T13. I would lay on the couch at night after the girls were asleep and rub my stomach and sob. It was so weird. He was moving and alive, but to know he was going to die.... That week was the hardest.

I know there will be ups and downs, and apparently I'm having a down night, and that's okay. I haven't let it out in a while. Tonight, Ivy pointed to my stomach and said, "Baby." I said, "No, honey. There's no baby in there anymore." Then Ella said, "Ace died, Ivy." Those kids have no filter, but it's the truth. And that little Ivy Bug, my stomach is not that big anymore! I still do look a bit pregnant. I was shopping at Goody's the other day buying some leggings and loose tunics. The lady asked me if they were maternity clothes, and I just said yes. Then she said, "When is your baby due?" Ohhhhh. I looked at her and said, "I had him four weeks ago." And before she could get anything else out, I told her he had passed away. I didn't cry. I did tear up a bit.  She said she was sorry and told me my stomach would go down. Yeah..... I'm not even going to go into that. She was nice, though.

On a brighter note, the girls brought home some things from daycare that reminded me of my sweet boy.

Ella is thankful for her brother, Ace.

And Ivy's turkey has 6 fingers!

And then, of course, the rainbow headdress too!

 

We had a good Thanksgiving. Always thankful for my wonderful family. The girls even let me sleep till 8:00! Talk about rare!

Delivery Day

But first.... October 19, 2014, the day before Ace's birth. Despite the T13 diagnosis, I was excited - so excited to meet this little boy I had been carrying and dreaming about for nine long months. I thought I was crazy for being so excited given his diagnosis and since we didn't even know if he'd be born alive. But I was. A lot of mixed emotions too: scared, anxious, ready to get it over with. But mainly excited. I took some medicine so I could actually get some sleep that night. We had to be at the hospital at 5:30, so we got up at 3:30 a.m. I don't remember much talking going on on the ride to Jackson. I was prepared for a still birth, so anything extra was just bonus time. I just couldn't wait to meet him - asleep or alive.  We checked in, got prepped, saw the family and others who came to be with us and then it was time. Still excited. After I was ready for surgery and laying there numb and everything was fixing to begin, I started crying. Now I was scared.  But in no time at all, he was out, and he was crying! He was alive. Whew. Then something happened with my spinal, and I began to feel some pain! Talk about craziness! That's why my hair was a mess in all those pictures!  But he was worth every pain I felt. I did not want that extra shot of whatever sedation med it is that normally makes you so out of it after surgery because we didn't know how long we'd have with him, and I wanted to be alert every minute.

7:28 a.m. He's free!

and crying!



 

 

oh.my.stars.

Daddy and Son

full of life

not too happy

big yawn

and asleep!
Love those 3 shots.

I miss those 6 fingers

sweet love

the wonderful Dr. Glick

just precious

proud Dad

my first time to hold him.

I just wanted to touch him. He's not complaining!

this will be framed, for sure!

He knew his mommy...no doubt

I think he's right where he wanted to be and his face shows it.
loved, secure, comforted.

Sweet Child of Mine

First picture as a family of five

 Ace was doing great. It started to feel normal - like when I had the girls. What Trisomy 13? He looked beautifully normal to me. And for an hour or two, it was normal. Then we had our first apnea scare. My mom was holding him, and my cousin noticed his color changing. The nurse, Ms. Melinda McCurley, who I've actually known just about my whole life because I went to school with her son, took him,and he ended up being fine, of course. But that made it real again - for a bit, at least. But then things continued to go well. In fact, they couldn't hear the heart murmur. Maybe some prayers were answered and the hole in his heart was healed. Oh, if I could just have kept him forever. Over the next day, things were looking better and better. We started thinking we were going to have months instead of days, and I couldn't have been happier. It was hard to remind myself that he had Trisomy 13 and no matter how good things were looking, it was going to happen, and we chose to leave that in God's hands.

No, three days were not enough. But it was better than none. Better than one.  Better than two.