The Williams Family: Letting It Out

He didn't open those eyes that much so this is extra precious.
Love him. Miss him. As long as I'm living, my baby he'll be.

Oh, man. I've really been doing so good lately, but tonight it just rehit me like a ton of bricks. Maybe it's because I've just ordered our Christmas cards or because I'm ordering prints of pictures or because it's Thanksgiving and he wasn't here with us or because we ordered his gravestone this week. I'd give absolutely anything to touch him, see him, kiss him, hold him, hear his cry or whimpers. Just one more time. I know he's having a good ole time in heaven, but that doesn't change the fact that I miss him more than he'll ever know. Does he even think about me or miss me like I miss him? The tears are pouring tonight. While there is a picture of him on the back of our Christmas cards, that's not what I envisioned our Christmas cards to be this year. There's so many little things that I had envisioned that aren't happening -- like when the girls climb in the recliner with Whit. There's room for one more, and I always pictured him right in the middle. My heart breaks every time I see that empty spot. Or the mornings when the girls get up and climb in bed with us. There was room for one more, and I looked forward to that. All five of us in our little queen bed. Giggles galore. Our life would have been so crazy right now if he were here. Three kids. It's hard to imagine, but we would have adjusted, of course, and I wouldn't have had it any other way.

I miss Buckley so much too. I can still envision him like he's here. Some of y'all may think I'm crazy for mourning my dog so bad, and sometimes it seems like I took Buckley's death harder than my own child's. I guess it's because Buckley's death was unexpected and tragic. He was just gone all of a sudden. No goodbye or extra kisses. We started grieving Ace the second we found out he had T13. I would lay on the couch at night after the girls were asleep and rub my stomach and sob. It was so weird. He was moving and alive, but to know he was going to die.... That week was the hardest.

I know there will be ups and downs, and apparently I'm having a down night, and that's okay. I haven't let it out in a while. Tonight, Ivy pointed to my stomach and said, "Baby." I said, "No, honey. There's no baby in there anymore." Then Ella said, "Ace died, Ivy." Those kids have no filter, but it's the truth. And that little Ivy Bug, my stomach is not that big anymore! I still do look a bit pregnant. I was shopping at Goody's the other day buying some leggings and loose tunics. The lady asked me if they were maternity clothes, and I just said yes. Then she said, "When is your baby due?" Ohhhhh. I looked at her and said, "I had him four weeks ago." And before she could get anything else out, I told her he had passed away. I didn't cry. I did tear up a bit. She said she was sorry and told me my stomach would go down. Yeah..... I'm not even going to go into that. She was nice, though.

On a brighter note, the girls brought home some things from daycare that reminded me of my sweet boy.