Staying Positive



Here I am again. Just got back from taking the girls to daycare. Drinking my double cup of hot chocolate. I miss coffee. I quit drinking it when I got pregnant with Ace because it didn't taste the same. I went through weeks of awful headaches, but I still didn't want it!  I guess this is my new normal.  Until I go back to work, that is. 

I'm feeling a little bad about throwing myself a pity party the other day. I need to stay positive, and that was not. This is the hand we were dealt, and it's up to us how we play it.  My husband can appreciate that phrase being the awesome card player that he is. But I'm not mad at God, and I'm not going to ask why anymore -- well, try not to.  I mean, we were 1 in 20,000. How often are you that 1? That makes us special. Ace was super special. I am thankful for the life we brought into this world. The soul we sent to heaven. Like Brother Barry said at Ace's service, God made Ace for eternal life, and, baby boy, this mama will see you again one day, and I very much look forward to it. However, I am not in a rush! Brother Barry also made a very interesting connection -- that Ace was our third child and lived three days. His name also had three letters! That's pretty neat. Brother Barry is beyond awesome. Can't find a better man. He'll never know how much we appreciated him being there with us during this time. It meant a lot.

 God doesn't give us more than we can handle, and He knew I could handle this, and I am. I'm not lying on my couch or in bed all day crying. I'm usually trying to stay busy. My doctor called about a week after Ace's death to check on me and mentioned anti-depressants, and I quickly replied "I'm not depressed." It really took me aback that she said that. And then the next couple of days were not the best, and I thought well maybe I am. But I'm not. I'm getting out and about more each day, and sometimes I am even smiling and looking at people. It's getting better.

 I thought I wanted people to not say anything to me about Ace, but that has just ended up making me mad. It did happen. I had a child who died. Yes, the unthinkable. But you can't ignore the elephant in the room. If you don't know what to say, I understand. Just smile at me or something. Hug me. Don't keep your distance like I have Ebola. I don't want people to feel uncomfortable around me, so I'll do my best to stay upbeat. But you can talk about Ace to me. I want to talk about him. I want to remember him and for everyone else to remember him. It's why I started this blog in part. I may cry, and that's fine. You probably would to.

So life goes on. It really does. It doesn't stop for you to mourn or wait for you to get your act back together. You just have to jump back on, and I am. I'm not saying I'm finished grieving my baby because I don't think that will ever stop, but I've got to get back out there and carry on.

And because a blog post without pictures is no fun, here's some positive pictures for ya.

They really, really do love each other this much. Hope it stays that way!

Just a little snuggling

Ella on her Bull Bottom Farms field trip.

Queen Elsa and the Pumpkin Fairy.

Ella's soccer team was undefeated and league champs! Her very first trophy!

Family beach vaca 2014. Ace is in that tummy of mine!

pure love

Until next time...