It's My Party...

...and I'll cry if I want to.  And I want to. Welcome to my pity party. If you don't want to read my sad thoughts about how incredibly unfair this is, then don't. But I'm entitled to let it out and by golly, here I go.

 

But first....way too much preciousness going on here. Way too much.

 

I miss him so much that that phrase doesn't even cut it close to how much I really miss him. My body was in quivers a few nights ago because I longed to hold him so bad. And I couldn't.

 

Why us? Why me? We were 1 in 16,000. The doctor said 1 in 20,000, but who cares. We were it.  I wanted this child so bad. He was an oopsie, and I couldn't have been happier. I prayed every single night for a healthy, happy baby, and that didn't happen -- the healthy part, at least. Ace was happy. How could he not be? He knew how much I loved him from conception until he took his last breath. He just wasn't healthy. Trisomy 13 is "incompatible with life." 

 

I keep thinking of that Garth Brooks' song "Unanswered prayers." I think that's Garth Brooks, but anywho, why was my prayer unanswered? How could it have been a gift? Some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers. Or the song "God Bless the Broken Road." I love that song. It makes me think of Whit, and how glad I am that high school flings didn't work out. Ugghh, I'm so glad I'm out of high school! But is Ace a broken road? Not in my book. I just have to tell myself that this happened to us for a reason. I mean, it did. Maybe we will understand on down the road.

 

Now, I could totally be the Duggars and fill our mini van up, except I have c-sections so I'm pretty sure a body can't handle that many sections, but still, the more the merrier. My husband is the more practical one -- cars, insurance, college, weddings, etc. Not me. I tell him "But we'll be so happy! Love is all you need! Think of how well we are going to be taken care of when we are older, and the grandchildren we will have" - oh, and "Happy people have lots of kids, and we're so happy!" He thinks I'm addicted to having babies, but I don't think you can be addicted to something that is so much work. And besides, we already pay for two kids in daycare, and it's like another mortgage, so I'm pretty sure we'll be able to afford a couple of car notes for teenagers in 10-15 years.

 

Back to my pity party. What my life should be right now:  I should look like a disheveled mom of three trying to figure out her new routine. I should be sleep deprived. I should have 2 toddler girls and a newborn at home. I should be breastfeeding every couple of hours all day every day. And I was really looking forward to nursing again. I should be changing little bitty diapers and treating his umbilical cord stump, giving sponge baths, burping, swaddling... Everything life with a newborn is. And I'm not. Instead, I am healing from abdominal surgery, grieving the loss of my child, battling my newfound anxiety of being around people, and getting hospital bills in the mail.  And my milk has not dried up, and I'm still leaking. Just a painful reminder. My body is going through everything it is supposed to after having a baby, but a baby I do not have. We get the girls to daycare everyday, and then I come home and clean, do laundry, watch tv, watch a movie with Whit if he's off, just busy work and errands, if I can muster up the strength to get out.

 

It's just not fair. I'm a good mom. Whit is a good dad.  We are good parents.  We make a good team. I love my children to pieces. I did everything by the book. People have babies who do not want them, much less can afford them.  People have abortions and then go on to have healthy children -- Jenelle from TeenMom.  And my tax dollars are paying for lots of these children. Don't get me started on that... But yet here we are, financially ready to have a third child, wanting to have this child, totally prepared, and he's gone. I flip through my pictures of Ace on my computer and just cry and cry, but then I get to this picture, and it makes me smile every single time.

 

 

Love my girlies! And I'm so glad I have them to help me get through this. Ella is 5 and understands Ace is in heaven, but is sad and occasionally cries. Ivy has no clue and is a breath of fresh air. She's 21 months and is still a baby herself. But I still miss my baby, and I want a baby. I want to be pregnant like now. Don't judge me. You don't know what it's like. I was pregnant for 10 months and prepared and ready for another child, and I am childless. Ace is gone. He will be in my heart until the end of time. I understand that another baby won't be him or even come close to replacing him, but I need to think that there will be another pregnancy. It gives me something to look forward to. I'm sure it will be difficult after having been through what we have, but that is something I am prepared to go through.

 

Party's over. I feel a bit better now. I can't wait to share more of Ace with y'all, but I'm waiting on more pictures. We had a photographer with an organization called Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep in the delivery room and with us afterwards, and I haven't gotten her pictures just yet. I watch for the mailman every day because I know they're coming any day now! I can't wait to see her pictures and share them with y'all. Until then...