Baby Steps

oh, this picture. no words.

So I've been doing pretty good lately. I actually went INSIDE the bank to make a deposit the other day. Someone even hugged me, and I didn't cry. Then I went by the courthouse and saw Debbie and Judge Kilgore. Still no tears. Ran another errand and almost cried when someone said she was praying for me, but it still went well. I was doing good; thought I was prepared for the unknowing people. Then comes WalMart.

WalMart is a tough one for me. The employees (cashiers mainly) are always so nice to me, especially when I'm pregnant. They load my groceries in the buggy and won't let me take heavy stuff out of the buggy. We talk about my pregnancy and the girls, and several of them were so excited for us having a boy. So I was dreading grocery shopping after Ace's diagnosis and death. The first time I went after Ace had passed was at 8:45 on a Sunday morning. My heart pounded the entire time, and I rarely looked around to see who was in there with me, but I ran into no one, and I considered it a success. It broke the ice. The other times I've been, I've picked my cashiers - ones that aren't going to chat or ask about the baby. I've been doing pretty good avoiding my regular cashiers, but last Thursday, my cashier asked how old my youngest was; said last time he saw me I was "out there!" Now, I picked him out because I didn't think I had seen him in quite a while. Maybe he's holiday help. But anyways, he asked me that and I froze. Was he talking about Ace or Ivy? In just a few seconds, I'm wondering "What child does he mean? Did he even see me pregnant with Ace? I don't think I can do it. I thought I could, but I can't, and if I mention Ace, I'm going to lose it, and now I'm fixing to feel so guilty." I looked at him and said, "20 months." Cue guilt. I just couldn't. But I really do think he was talking about Ivy.

It's not just telling the people who don't know that I had a 3-day old infant who passed away. I also do not have one picture of Ace in my house yet. I feel bad about it, but I'm just not ready. When Buckley died, I went through every photo album I had and plastered his pictures all over the house, even more than they already were. But now, if I want to look at pictures of Ace, I get on the computer or my phone. This is just part of the process, I'm sure, and I'll get there. I don't even want to get into my guilty feelings right now because there's more. Maybe another day.

Yesterday, Ella and I and both our besties went to Jackson for a mommy and big girls day, and we had a blast. We ate hibachi for lunch and then went to Disney on Ice. Ella needed that, and I'm glad we got to do it. I was not supposed to be able to go because I was supposed to have a newborn. Don't even get me started on the "supposed tos."  But I got to go, and I enjoyed it as much as Ella.



love some Ichiban

Queen Elsa and Princess Anna

This is what spoiled looks like!

 

We have so much fun with these girls - always!

And now we're at today, Sunday. We decided to go to church today. Sounds good, right? First time in a long time. I was feeling good about it this morning. No anxiety whatsoever. I was ready...  What was I thinking!?! And better yet, it never occurred to me to take an anxiety pill. That's what I have them for, even though I haven't taken one of those in a week or two. There were people everywhere -- the very thing I've been scared of. The second I walked into the sanctuary, I was just going to keep my head down and go to my seat. But I was spotted and grabbed and hugged by Brother Mark. He just wanted to let me know he was praying for us, but when walking away, I lost it. Tears everywhere. And I am walking right into everyone sitting down and looking at me (probably).  Then I see a familiar face (Karen Putt) and just face plant into her. I needed cover, and she was it! Shoot. Once I've lost it, it's hard to stop. I cried and cried. I was so uncomfortable it was unreal. Part of me was like "Well, it might as well be at church." But it was awful. Ella insisted on sitting between me and Whit, but after a certain point, I just moved her on over. He pulled me to his side and hugged me, and I felt so much better. Not so alone anymore.

I was just hoping they wouldn't tell us to turn and greet people you don't know, but guess what?  He did. Annnndddd....panic. Remember when I said I didn't have Ebola? I take it back! I take it back.  Please strike me with Ebola. Better yet, shoot me - now.  I'm barely holding it together at this point. But it ended, and I fought back tears for another few minutes. After this, we were all standing and singing (not me) but Ella tapped me and I bent down and she hugged me. So precious. She knew I needed one.  Then, before I knew it, church was over, and I made it. Whew. I had to start somewhere. I'm sure next time won't be as bad - I sure hope not.  There was nothing anyone did or could have done to make it better. It's just me....trying to return to normal - well, as normal as I can.