Baby Steps

oh, this picture. no words.

So I've been doing pretty good lately. I actually went INSIDE the bank to make a deposit the other day. Someone even hugged me, and I didn't cry. Then I went by the courthouse and saw Debbie and Judge Kilgore. Still no tears. Ran another errand and almost cried when someone said she was praying for me, but it still went well. I was doing good; thought I was prepared for the unknowing people. Then comes WalMart.

WalMart is a tough one for me. The employees (cashiers mainly) are always so nice to me, especially when I'm pregnant. They load my groceries in the buggy and won't let me take heavy stuff out of the buggy. We talk about my pregnancy and the girls, and several of them were so excited for us having a boy. So I was dreading grocery shopping after Ace's diagnosis and death. The first time I went after Ace had passed was at 8:45 on a Sunday morning. My heart pounded the entire time, and I rarely looked around to see who was in there with me, but I ran into no one, and I considered it a success. It broke the ice. The other times I've been, I've picked my cashiers - ones that aren't going to chat or ask about the baby. I've been doing pretty good avoiding my regular cashiers, but last Thursday, my cashier asked how old my youngest was; said last time he saw me I was "out there!" Now, I picked him out because I didn't think I had seen him in quite a while. Maybe he's holiday help. But anyways, he asked me that and I froze. Was he talking about Ace or Ivy? In just a few seconds, I'm wondering "What child does he mean? Did he even see me pregnant with Ace? I don't think I can do it. I thought I could, but I can't, and if I mention Ace, I'm going to lose it, and now I'm fixing to feel so guilty." I looked at him and said, "20 months." Cue guilt. I just couldn't. But I really do think he was talking about Ivy.

It's not just telling the people who don't know that I had a 3-day old infant who passed away. I also do not have one picture of Ace in my house yet. I feel bad about it, but I'm just not ready. When Buckley died, I went through every photo album I had and plastered his pictures all over the house, even more than they already were. But now, if I want to look at pictures of Ace, I get on the computer or my phone. This is just part of the process, I'm sure, and I'll get there. I don't even want to get into my guilty feelings right now because there's more. Maybe another day.

Yesterday, Ella and I and both our besties went to Jackson for a mommy and big girls day, and we had a blast. We ate hibachi for lunch and then went to Disney on Ice. Ella needed that, and I'm glad we got to do it. I was not supposed to be able to go because I was supposed to have a newborn. Don't even get me started on the "supposed tos."  But I got to go, and I enjoyed it as much as Ella.



love some Ichiban

Queen Elsa and Princess Anna

This is what spoiled looks like!

 

We have so much fun with these girls - always!

And now we're at today, Sunday. We decided to go to church today. Sounds good, right? First time in a long time. I was feeling good about it this morning. No anxiety whatsoever. I was ready...  What was I thinking!?! And better yet, it never occurred to me to take an anxiety pill. That's what I have them for, even though I haven't taken one of those in a week or two. There were people everywhere -- the very thing I've been scared of. The second I walked into the sanctuary, I was just going to keep my head down and go to my seat. But I was spotted and grabbed and hugged by Brother Mark. He just wanted to let me know he was praying for us, but when walking away, I lost it. Tears everywhere. And I am walking right into everyone sitting down and looking at me (probably).  Then I see a familiar face (Karen Putt) and just face plant into her. I needed cover, and she was it! Shoot. Once I've lost it, it's hard to stop. I cried and cried. I was so uncomfortable it was unreal. Part of me was like "Well, it might as well be at church." But it was awful. Ella insisted on sitting between me and Whit, but after a certain point, I just moved her on over. He pulled me to his side and hugged me, and I felt so much better. Not so alone anymore.

I was just hoping they wouldn't tell us to turn and greet people you don't know, but guess what?  He did. Annnndddd....panic. Remember when I said I didn't have Ebola? I take it back! I take it back.  Please strike me with Ebola. Better yet, shoot me - now.  I'm barely holding it together at this point. But it ended, and I fought back tears for another few minutes. After this, we were all standing and singing (not me) but Ella tapped me and I bent down and she hugged me. So precious. She knew I needed one.  Then, before I knew it, church was over, and I made it. Whew. I had to start somewhere. I'm sure next time won't be as bad - I sure hope not.  There was nothing anyone did or could have done to make it better. It's just me....trying to return to normal - well, as normal as I can.


Twinkle Twinkle

Let's start at the beginning -- when Ace was just a twinkle in his mommy and daddy's eyes! 

Early February 2014. (twinkle twinkle!)

And then March 1, 2014, when Whit posts this on FaceBook, unbeknownst to me, of course! (He loves it when I use that word - LOL! That's what happens when you listen to lawyers all day.)

Eeeeek! Excited is an understatement!

Making a baby is hard work. Photo by Ella!

Ace's first charity ball.

It's a gummy bear!  His little heartbeat was 205 (over 200, I know). Maybe a first indication something was awry.

First Easter

 

I knew it! I knew it was a boy! What on earth are we going to do with a boy!?  

 

Both my boys snuggling.  Never -- I mean, never could have imagined I would lose them both.

Some more preggo pics. Ace had fun in that tummy of mine!

 

 



28 weeks

32 weeks

After we found out Ace had T13, I google imaged it and shouldn't have.  Don't do it. Some really bad images pull up. Scary stuff.  One eyeball, missing eyes, large raw skin patches on head, intestines out of the body.  I honestly was freaking out about what to expect. This was my child, and I would love him no matter what, but we were scared. So we had a 3-D sono to getter a closer look and see what to expect. We usually don't have this done because our insurance doesn't cover it, so it was a treat! He was as precious as precious could be. His nose was wide, but that was all we could see. It was our first time to really get a glimpse of him. In all the other regular sonograms, he was looking dead at us, so it was freaky pictures. Never got a good side profile pic. Tears poured as I saw him. He looked normal -- chubby cheeks and all.

Ace and his new brother, Bo, snuggling.

 

2 days before his birth. My last belly shot! Thanks, Erin Hinson!




 I loved being pregnant with him. Just like any pregnancy, I had some complaints, but it is all worth it in the end! I never ever felt like something was wrong, but I knew he was going to be a sweet, laid-back boy and that he was.

 

So that was a glimpse at my pregnancy with Ace, and here's the end result - his birth! Click the link to watch the birth video. The pictures and video are courtesy of Jennifer Rutledge, a photographer in Jackson who also offers her services for families in situations like ours through a national organization called Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep. She was in the delivery room with us and captured his first moments, plus a few hours! Something we will treasure forever and ever. I've already watched it close to a jillion times. :) Oh, and the song that's playing goes back to our honeymoon in Hawaii. We were on a dolphin cruise, and a man sang it while playing his ukulele. It was beautiful and has stuck with us ever since. Fits in perfectly. Enjoy!

 

http://video214.com/play/z1adWnFiLXn6E8vu1bPftg/s/dark 

Staying Positive



Here I am again. Just got back from taking the girls to daycare. Drinking my double cup of hot chocolate. I miss coffee. I quit drinking it when I got pregnant with Ace because it didn't taste the same. I went through weeks of awful headaches, but I still didn't want it!  I guess this is my new normal.  Until I go back to work, that is. 

I'm feeling a little bad about throwing myself a pity party the other day. I need to stay positive, and that was not. This is the hand we were dealt, and it's up to us how we play it.  My husband can appreciate that phrase being the awesome card player that he is. But I'm not mad at God, and I'm not going to ask why anymore -- well, try not to.  I mean, we were 1 in 20,000. How often are you that 1? That makes us special. Ace was super special. I am thankful for the life we brought into this world. The soul we sent to heaven. Like Brother Barry said at Ace's service, God made Ace for eternal life, and, baby boy, this mama will see you again one day, and I very much look forward to it. However, I am not in a rush! Brother Barry also made a very interesting connection -- that Ace was our third child and lived three days. His name also had three letters! That's pretty neat. Brother Barry is beyond awesome. Can't find a better man. He'll never know how much we appreciated him being there with us during this time. It meant a lot.

 God doesn't give us more than we can handle, and He knew I could handle this, and I am. I'm not lying on my couch or in bed all day crying. I'm usually trying to stay busy. My doctor called about a week after Ace's death to check on me and mentioned anti-depressants, and I quickly replied "I'm not depressed." It really took me aback that she said that. And then the next couple of days were not the best, and I thought well maybe I am. But I'm not. I'm getting out and about more each day, and sometimes I am even smiling and looking at people. It's getting better.

 I thought I wanted people to not say anything to me about Ace, but that has just ended up making me mad. It did happen. I had a child who died. Yes, the unthinkable. But you can't ignore the elephant in the room. If you don't know what to say, I understand. Just smile at me or something. Hug me. Don't keep your distance like I have Ebola. I don't want people to feel uncomfortable around me, so I'll do my best to stay upbeat. But you can talk about Ace to me. I want to talk about him. I want to remember him and for everyone else to remember him. It's why I started this blog in part. I may cry, and that's fine. You probably would to.

So life goes on. It really does. It doesn't stop for you to mourn or wait for you to get your act back together. You just have to jump back on, and I am. I'm not saying I'm finished grieving my baby because I don't think that will ever stop, but I've got to get back out there and carry on.

And because a blog post without pictures is no fun, here's some positive pictures for ya.

They really, really do love each other this much. Hope it stays that way!

Just a little snuggling

Ella on her Bull Bottom Farms field trip.

Queen Elsa and the Pumpkin Fairy.

Ella's soccer team was undefeated and league champs! Her very first trophy!

Family beach vaca 2014. Ace is in that tummy of mine!

pure love

Until next time...

All about that Ace

Ace Whitfield Williams 

 

So I just can't wait any longer. I am eager to share our little miracle with everyone. He was a miracle.  It's a miracle he even made it 37 weeks gestation and then 3 days. I'll use the pictures I have for now and share the photographer's later. I've been putting off sharing and writing about Ace because of a number of things -- mainly emotions.  But this is just a bunch of preciousness!

The following pictures are from the recovery room forward. We went straight from surgery to a private recovery room.  Ace never left our side. Once Whit and I spent some alone time with him, we invited our family back a little at a time, and these are the combined pictures from iphones and cameras.

So where do I start?  Better yet, how the heck am I only gonna post certain pics!? I mean, they're all so darn cute. Warning: Picture overload!



Such a content little man

until he got mad!

Didn't get enough of these.

Someone is dying to hold him!

Look at that face! She's not excited, is she!?

 

Beaming Big Sis

 

Ivy loved him too! But she was a little jealous of PopPop holding Ace.

 

100% sugar



check out those extra pinky fingers!

loved those hands by his face

 

 

 

The grands making sure he's human! hehe.

A smile... Must be dreaming of his mommy :)

Look at that blond hair! Our first baby born blond! The girls had brown hair with highlights, but they're golden now!

 

 

 

He didn't really like me rubbing those cheeks, but he let me!

 



Singing Happy Birthday! 1 day old.

Born a Rebel!

 

Although he did have several markings of a Trisomy 13 baby, he was totally normal to me.

Beautiful.

Our little Old Man. My little Ace to Base.