Letting It Out

He didn't open those eyes that much so this is extra precious.
Love him. Miss him. As long as I'm living, my baby he'll be.

Oh, man. I've really been doing so good lately, but tonight it just rehit me like a ton of bricks. Maybe it's because I've just ordered our Christmas cards or because I'm ordering prints of pictures or because it's Thanksgiving and he wasn't here with us or because we ordered his gravestone this week. I'd give absolutely anything to touch him, see him, kiss him, hold him, hear his cry or whimpers.  Just one more time. I know he's having a good ole time in heaven, but that doesn't change the fact that I miss him more than he'll ever know. Does he even think about me or miss me like I miss him? The tears are pouring tonight. While there is a picture of him on the back of our Christmas cards, that's not what I envisioned our Christmas cards to be this year. There's so many little things that I had envisioned that aren't happening -- like when the girls climb in the recliner with Whit. There's room for one more, and I always pictured him right in the middle. My heart breaks every time I see that empty spot. Or the mornings when the girls get up and climb in bed with us. There was room for one more, and I looked forward to that. All five of us in our little queen bed. Giggles galore. Our life would have been so crazy right now if he were here. Three kids. It's hard to imagine, but we would have adjusted, of course, and I wouldn't have had it any other way.

I miss Buckley so much too. I can still envision him like he's here. Some of y'all may think I'm crazy for mourning my dog so bad, and sometimes it seems like I took Buckley's death harder than my own child's. I guess it's because Buckley's death was unexpected and tragic. He was just gone all of a sudden. No goodbye or extra kisses. We started grieving Ace the second we found out he had T13. I would lay on the couch at night after the girls were asleep and rub my stomach and sob. It was so weird. He was moving and alive, but to know he was going to die.... That week was the hardest.

I know there will be ups and downs, and apparently I'm having a down night, and that's okay. I haven't let it out in a while. Tonight, Ivy pointed to my stomach and said, "Baby." I said, "No, honey. There's no baby in there anymore." Then Ella said, "Ace died, Ivy." Those kids have no filter, but it's the truth. And that little Ivy Bug, my stomach is not that big anymore! I still do look a bit pregnant. I was shopping at Goody's the other day buying some leggings and loose tunics. The lady asked me if they were maternity clothes, and I just said yes. Then she said, "When is your baby due?" Ohhhhh. I looked at her and said, "I had him four weeks ago." And before she could get anything else out, I told her he had passed away. I didn't cry. I did tear up a bit.  She said she was sorry and told me my stomach would go down. Yeah..... I'm not even going to go into that. She was nice, though.

On a brighter note, the girls brought home some things from daycare that reminded me of my sweet boy.

Ella is thankful for her brother, Ace.

And Ivy's turkey has 6 fingers!

And then, of course, the rainbow headdress too!

 

We had a good Thanksgiving. Always thankful for my wonderful family. The girls even let me sleep till 8:00! Talk about rare!

Delivery Day

But first.... October 19, 2014, the day before Ace's birth. Despite the T13 diagnosis, I was excited - so excited to meet this little boy I had been carrying and dreaming about for nine long months. I thought I was crazy for being so excited given his diagnosis and since we didn't even know if he'd be born alive. But I was. A lot of mixed emotions too: scared, anxious, ready to get it over with. But mainly excited. I took some medicine so I could actually get some sleep that night. We had to be at the hospital at 5:30, so we got up at 3:30 a.m. I don't remember much talking going on on the ride to Jackson. I was prepared for a still birth, so anything extra was just bonus time. I just couldn't wait to meet him - asleep or alive.  We checked in, got prepped, saw the family and others who came to be with us and then it was time. Still excited. After I was ready for surgery and laying there numb and everything was fixing to begin, I started crying. Now I was scared.  But in no time at all, he was out, and he was crying! He was alive. Whew. Then something happened with my spinal, and I began to feel some pain! Talk about craziness! That's why my hair was a mess in all those pictures!  But he was worth every pain I felt. I did not want that extra shot of whatever sedation med it is that normally makes you so out of it after surgery because we didn't know how long we'd have with him, and I wanted to be alert every minute.

7:28 a.m. He's free!

and crying!



 

 

oh.my.stars.

Daddy and Son

full of life

not too happy

big yawn

and asleep!
Love those 3 shots.

I miss those 6 fingers

sweet love

the wonderful Dr. Glick

just precious

proud Dad

my first time to hold him.

I just wanted to touch him. He's not complaining!

this will be framed, for sure!

He knew his mommy...no doubt

I think he's right where he wanted to be and his face shows it.
loved, secure, comforted.

Sweet Child of Mine

First picture as a family of five

 Ace was doing great. It started to feel normal - like when I had the girls. What Trisomy 13? He looked beautifully normal to me. And for an hour or two, it was normal. Then we had our first apnea scare. My mom was holding him, and my cousin noticed his color changing. The nurse, Ms. Melinda McCurley, who I've actually known just about my whole life because I went to school with her son, took him,and he ended up being fine, of course. But that made it real again - for a bit, at least. But then things continued to go well. In fact, they couldn't hear the heart murmur. Maybe some prayers were answered and the hole in his heart was healed. Oh, if I could just have kept him forever. Over the next day, things were looking better and better. We started thinking we were going to have months instead of days, and I couldn't have been happier. It was hard to remind myself that he had Trisomy 13 and no matter how good things were looking, it was going to happen, and we chose to leave that in God's hands.

No, three days were not enough. But it was better than none. Better than one.  Better than two.

Baby Steps

oh, this picture. no words.

So I've been doing pretty good lately. I actually went INSIDE the bank to make a deposit the other day. Someone even hugged me, and I didn't cry. Then I went by the courthouse and saw Debbie and Judge Kilgore. Still no tears. Ran another errand and almost cried when someone said she was praying for me, but it still went well. I was doing good; thought I was prepared for the unknowing people. Then comes WalMart.

WalMart is a tough one for me. The employees (cashiers mainly) are always so nice to me, especially when I'm pregnant. They load my groceries in the buggy and won't let me take heavy stuff out of the buggy. We talk about my pregnancy and the girls, and several of them were so excited for us having a boy. So I was dreading grocery shopping after Ace's diagnosis and death. The first time I went after Ace had passed was at 8:45 on a Sunday morning. My heart pounded the entire time, and I rarely looked around to see who was in there with me, but I ran into no one, and I considered it a success. It broke the ice. The other times I've been, I've picked my cashiers - ones that aren't going to chat or ask about the baby. I've been doing pretty good avoiding my regular cashiers, but last Thursday, my cashier asked how old my youngest was; said last time he saw me I was "out there!" Now, I picked him out because I didn't think I had seen him in quite a while. Maybe he's holiday help. But anyways, he asked me that and I froze. Was he talking about Ace or Ivy? In just a few seconds, I'm wondering "What child does he mean? Did he even see me pregnant with Ace? I don't think I can do it. I thought I could, but I can't, and if I mention Ace, I'm going to lose it, and now I'm fixing to feel so guilty." I looked at him and said, "20 months." Cue guilt. I just couldn't. But I really do think he was talking about Ivy.

It's not just telling the people who don't know that I had a 3-day old infant who passed away. I also do not have one picture of Ace in my house yet. I feel bad about it, but I'm just not ready. When Buckley died, I went through every photo album I had and plastered his pictures all over the house, even more than they already were. But now, if I want to look at pictures of Ace, I get on the computer or my phone. This is just part of the process, I'm sure, and I'll get there. I don't even want to get into my guilty feelings right now because there's more. Maybe another day.

Yesterday, Ella and I and both our besties went to Jackson for a mommy and big girls day, and we had a blast. We ate hibachi for lunch and then went to Disney on Ice. Ella needed that, and I'm glad we got to do it. I was not supposed to be able to go because I was supposed to have a newborn. Don't even get me started on the "supposed tos."  But I got to go, and I enjoyed it as much as Ella.



love some Ichiban

Queen Elsa and Princess Anna

This is what spoiled looks like!

 

We have so much fun with these girls - always!

And now we're at today, Sunday. We decided to go to church today. Sounds good, right? First time in a long time. I was feeling good about it this morning. No anxiety whatsoever. I was ready...  What was I thinking!?! And better yet, it never occurred to me to take an anxiety pill. That's what I have them for, even though I haven't taken one of those in a week or two. There were people everywhere -- the very thing I've been scared of. The second I walked into the sanctuary, I was just going to keep my head down and go to my seat. But I was spotted and grabbed and hugged by Brother Mark. He just wanted to let me know he was praying for us, but when walking away, I lost it. Tears everywhere. And I am walking right into everyone sitting down and looking at me (probably).  Then I see a familiar face (Karen Putt) and just face plant into her. I needed cover, and she was it! Shoot. Once I've lost it, it's hard to stop. I cried and cried. I was so uncomfortable it was unreal. Part of me was like "Well, it might as well be at church." But it was awful. Ella insisted on sitting between me and Whit, but after a certain point, I just moved her on over. He pulled me to his side and hugged me, and I felt so much better. Not so alone anymore.

I was just hoping they wouldn't tell us to turn and greet people you don't know, but guess what?  He did. Annnndddd....panic. Remember when I said I didn't have Ebola? I take it back! I take it back.  Please strike me with Ebola. Better yet, shoot me - now.  I'm barely holding it together at this point. But it ended, and I fought back tears for another few minutes. After this, we were all standing and singing (not me) but Ella tapped me and I bent down and she hugged me. So precious. She knew I needed one.  Then, before I knew it, church was over, and I made it. Whew. I had to start somewhere. I'm sure next time won't be as bad - I sure hope not.  There was nothing anyone did or could have done to make it better. It's just me....trying to return to normal - well, as normal as I can.